In Which I Muse Over Self Esteem and Laziness

I feel like going around all day telling everyone that every artistic or creative piece of work I came forward with in the past 24 hours (a whopping two) was a fucking worthless piece of shit that deserved to be vacuum sealed into a plastic bag the size of a small cracker tin and burned in a conventional toaster oven gave people the impression that I have self-esteem issues. I personally counter this sentiment with the recognition that I put forth little to no effort into either of those two projects, resulting in my acceptance that they were combustibly sub-par and thus worthless in my own mind because I didn't finish them with complete confidence in what I was trying to do with them.

We had a project due in Creative Writing class today, and I had originally typed up a cute little page of prose for the assignment fitting for a village hillside (actually it was dripping with atheism so I guess it wasn't that cute), but during the seconds before class actually started I had a complete artistic breakdown and decided I didn't want to turn it in.

So I got to class and wrote a shit five-stanza poem literally on my way to the printer and came back to the knowledge that we were going to spend the entire rest of class going through the most in-depth peer analysis on this particular project that we had ever done in the class thus fire. Fuck me, I thought (though I usually am thinking that regardless), and I spent the rest of class kicking myself internally for not spending more time on the project and assuring that I was proud of it before subjecting it to the entire class for intense analysis and judgement.

I mean people seemed to like it. Honestly I don't really think they cared very much. But when we were all reflecting on the feedback we'd gotten I decided to honestly explain my plight to the entire class and they all ended up thinking I had a severe self-esteem deficiency and was going to go home and pound my head against the microwave door.

The same happened with the Samuel Adams video I just posted. I told everyone how bad I thought it was simply because I hadn't spent enough time or effort on it to be proud of what I had accomplished with it. I just feel the need to clarify that feeling apprehensive about something people are going to take seriously with the knowledge that you put more effort into estimating the even distribution of milk and cereal in your breakfast bowl that morning than you did on the project itself is entirely different than practically driving yourself into psychosis working on something to the point where nothing else you could do could improve it in your own mind and yet still hating it relentlessly.

Or maybe I just do have a self esteem problem.